Thursday, April 30, 2009

Tired of smiling.

Smiling. Everyone expects you to smile. Especially when you are a Christian. Well I don't want to smile anymore. Life is crappy. I'm positive that God, if he's paying attention to me at all, is determined to plow me under! Some may say this is blasphemy, so be it. Life is crappy. I'm tired of platitudes. I'm tired of "Everyone struggles with "this" sin or "that" sin. I'm NOT everyone. I'm angry, hurt, ticked off, mortally embarrassed, and thoroughly disgusted with myself. Again with the platitudes: "Forgive yourself and move forward". Easy right? NOT! You don't know, you just don't know. I can't forgive myself, how on earth do I expect God to forgive me? More platitudes: "God is greater, he forgives everything" Really? I think God sees ME.. the real me.. the me YOU don't see, and I think he's just as disgusted with me as I am. But really, who could blame him? And still more platitudes, I can hear them from here: "God made you, He loves you" Ok.. so let me see if I have this right.. God made a disgusting, sin filled, dysfunctional human like me and he loves that? But what about the "God hates sin" part? Or does that only apply to others?

Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I want God's forgiveness? Yes. Will I get it? Doubtful.

You may think
I’m just fine
How could anything
Ever be out of line?

I take my time
To set the stage
To make sure everything
Is all in place

Even though I’ve got the lines rehearsed
A picture only paints a thousand words

Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes

Sometimes I can’t see
Through the dark
Surrounding me
And at times I’m unsure
About the ground
Beneath my feet
If it’s safe and sound

When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen
I have peace in knowing it will find me


You may think I’m just fine
How could anything ever be out of line?

Francesca Battistelli - from the album My Paper Heart