Monday, December 22, 2008

Cold, Snow, and my Daughters 14th Birthday

Today is December 22, 2008. My daughter's 14th birthday and here I am at work. We had a MAJOR storm last night and the roads here are totally disgusting for the most part. What's worse? I have all season tires on the front of my car which is a front wheel drive. I work at a garage and we have new winter tires here but do you think that my bonehead mechanic would put them on for me? Noooooo. Blech!

So now I have the dilemma of what to do for my daughter's birthday. Plan was to bring her and her friend back into town tonight for supper and a movie, but, the roads are really bad and I'm worried about just getting home after work, much less coming back in. Maybe I'll pick up some KFC on my way home and let them go to the local video store and pick out a movie. *sigh* Oh well.

I've been thinking a great deal over the last couple of days about this day 15 years ago when my daughter was born. Surprisingly, I remember it like it was yesterday for the most part. I remember that I had a routine doctors appointment because she wasn't due until the 26th. But I was determined to have her before Christmas. In fact I was determined to have her no later than today so that I could be out of the hospital for Christmas as I had my son ( who was 2 at the time) at home and I didn't want to ruin his Christmas. So off I went at 10 am for my doctor's appointment and I told him that I was going to have the baby TODAY. He laughed at me. I told him to do what ever he had to do to induce my labor but of course he couldn't use any drugs because I wasn't overdue. So he did a little of this and that and sent me home.

I remember my Grandfather showing up early that afternoon. I miss him so. Anyway, around 2 pm I remember twinging and turning and my grandfather asked what was wrong. I told him I thought that maybe I was going into labor. Well.. I've never seen an old man with Parkinson's move so darned fast. He was out of his chair and out the door before I could blink! He stopped short, poked his head in the door and said "I wasn't there for my own children's birth, not sticking around for this one, but do call us and let us know how it goes" and then he was gone. I think that was the last time I saw him before he passed away.

I waited a little longer then I called my doctor and told him we were heading into the hospital. He laughed and said I was very funny. I told him I wasn't being funny, and that I would see him there. Shortly thereafter, we arrived at the hospital. I remember Dr. Salgado coming into the room to break my water, he laughed and said I was the most determined women he'd ever met! He left us to go get some supper as he thought it was going to be a while before anything significant happened. Then, out of no where, it started and it was fast and furious. I had been planning on an epidural or something, but Amanda had other plans. The nurses couldn't get a heart beat. The paged my doctor and another specialist. By the time my doctor arrived to the room, it was filled with nurses and doctors and an emergency C-section tray. I remember clearly the sound of his coffee cup hitting the floor and the splashing of the coffee. Oh and of course the cursing of the nurse who had to clean it up.

He walked over to the bed and said " I see there isn't much I can do ... do you want to hold my hand?" All I could think of was "don't break the doctor's hand, don't break the doctor's hand". But, the baby wasn't coming. I wasn't dilating. They tried everything, putting me in every convoluted position I could imagine. For a few minutes I thought maybe I was in Cirque De Sole! At one point, I was on my side, with 5 pillows under my hips and a nurse behind me and my husband in front and I whispered " I need to push" the nurse said "Oh honey, you can't push " then all I heard was the doctor saying "Oh my God, push push push" and I did. Then there was crying; not only from the baby, but my husband and I both. She was absolutely beautiful! The nurse who told me I couldn't push leaned over and whispered in my ear "Good job dear! You must have had a Christmas angel with you today".

She's still beautiful. And God knows I love her, but she's become a teen and most days I would rather ship her off to boarding school than live with her. But then I think back to the day she was born and how much trouble she gave me then, and I realize that I should have been prepared for the future!


Friday, December 19, 2008

Frustration Everywhere I Look Oh And Thank You

Maybe it is just the time of year, but there seems to be frustration everywhere I look. Even now, thinking about this post, I find I'm frustrated about being frustrated! Is that even possible? I mean, Seriously?

As I calm down a little, I have to admit I do feel blessed as well. Blessed that I have found someone out there who seems to be a true friend. Someone who is very much like me, but has a more level head when it comes to helping me figure out my frustration. She's amazingly witty and totally cool. And if she's reading this (which she probably is because I think she's the only one who does read my posts) I just want to say a BIG thank you :)

The latest frustration seems to be my need to talk, to say SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to a particular person, but when cooler heads prevail, it's obviously not the right thing to do. I have a REAL problem when it comes to speaking my mind. I've never been one to just 'keep quiet' about anything. This, as I'm sure I've said before, has gotten me into a whole heap of trouble, but has, on most occasions, made me at least, feel better. But as my new, good, friend reminded me today:

Proverbs 25:21-22

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
22 for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you.

So now I'm frustrated with how to go about suppressing my need to speak my mind AND how to "heap burning coals" on this persons head. Yes, it's quite an image and even though I'm sure the Lord is shaking his head in disapproval right now, it somehow makes me feel just the tiniest bit better to envision this person with heaping hot coals on their head.

Prayer. That's the answer that has hit me squarely in the face as I write this.

Romans 8:26 (New International Version)

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

I really don't know what to pray for in this situation. Do I pray that this person should feel the burning of the hot coals(which regrettably is what I really hope). Or do I pray for silence? Thankfully, I don't really have to know exactly for what I need to pray.

Romans 8:26 (New International Version)

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

I just wonder, how many prayers do I need to send up before the "hot coals" image goes away?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hello? Are you there? Why can't I hear You?

What's wrong with me? I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around my head I don't even know where to begin.

One thing I'm feeling more and more lately is sadness because I feel very alone. Since my FH has been away, I've felt isolated and alone. Why do I feel that way? I KNOW in my head that God is there for me, but do I really "feel" it? I read posts and support messages and even bible passages about how God speaks to others. Why isn't He speaking to me? And if He is speaking to me, why can't I hear Him? Am I hearing Him, but not realizing it's Him? How do I get to Him? Surly it can't be as easy as just sitting down reading my bible. That's silly right? Isn't it? I mean honestly, I've read my bible and to me it's an instruction book, not a two-way radio. What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so desperately with something that seems to come so easily to everyone else? Ok, I know not "everyone" hears God or even finds it easy to communicate with God, but it sure feels like it right now. Am I in the middle of a huge pity party? And is that so wrong? And how do I get out of it? And is ANYBODY listening?