So, as you can tell from my previous post, I’ve been facing a particularly difficult time in my spiritual walk lately. That’s not really changed. But I decided yesterday afternoon, (after ripping my son’s head off because he asked me how I was and the look on his face afterward could have broken a statue’s heart) that something needed to give.
So, I went to our local coffee shop drive through and decided to take my pastor’s advice and “Have a coffee with God”. Now came the question, where could I go that I could be alone with God, free from “worldly distractions”. Answer: My daughter’s grave. It’s a small grave yard by most standards, but it’s also a very beautiful, quiet place in the midst of a chaotic world. Also, the dead don’t normally interrupt or listen in ;). Now I’m not a nature nut per se. Insects drive me crazy and there isn’t any tv, but I love wildlife.
I pulled up in my noisy car, parked and grabbed my coat and coffee. I spread out my coat on the ground and dropped myself down. I began to pray. I prayed to God and poured my heart out all over the place. As the tears flowed, I lifted my head and there, staring at me not 100 yards away, was the most beautiful herd of deer I’ve ever seen (Ok, so they were normal dear, but in the moment, they were beautiful).
“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.” Psalm 42:1
Habakkuk 3:19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.
These are not passages I knew before today, but I felt, as I sat and cried and bared my soul to my God that he was telling me something and I needed to know it. I needed to know that he will help me to move through this. Not past it, not around it, but through it.
I think the reason I felt the deer were so important was because they were quite obviously there when I drove up as it was only 5 minutes or so before I noticed them. Now deer are flighty creatures by nature, they do become somewhat tame, but loud unfamiliar noises do scare them off.. and my car is broken and LOUD LOL. Hence, God isn’t scared off by my brokenness and “loud noises”
The second thing is, as I prayed and watched the deer I realized something about God that I had forgotten. The deer, being the flighty creatures they are, are always watching. They were always watching me, even when they moved behind some trees for a bit and I couldn’t see them, I know they were watching me. Lesson for me? God is always watching me, He’s always there. Even when I don’t see him, He sees me. Even when I think He’s gone, He is just in the trees (and the trees I imagine are the struggles we all face that take our eyes off him. Deep huh? LOL) but He’s never taken His eyes off of me.
As for the passages, they were something I searched out when I got home. But I have no doubt that I searched them because God gave me those deer.
The struggle that I'm facning is going to be a long, tough road with many doubts and tears and fears I'm sure, but, after my coffee with God I now know: “The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.”
