Friday, February 13, 2009

What I want to do and why I'm not doing it.

I feel the Lord has been speaking to my heart a great deal over the past couple of years. But I've not listened. I've not even started to listen.

You see, 10 years ago this upcoming Feb. 20th, 2009, my daughter Morgan passed away suddenly. No amount of faith (which I was low on to begin with) can prepare you for that kind of pain. So what has the Lord been asking me to do that I've been avoiding?

He's been telling me that this tragedy can be a blessing to others. I believe ( and maybe I'm out of my mind) but I believe that the Lord wants me to share my story. The story of her passing and how my lack of faith then lead me to the great faith I have now. I believe he wants me to share it in a very public forum which means I would obviously have to sit and write about it ( I don't believe one can just get up and wing this sort of thing successfully). But I've not done so. I've not written one word. Am I being defiant of the Lord? Most definitely. But I just can not seem to find the time or the words or the strength to do so.

I really want to do this. I do. But.. I haven't. And it brings me great sadness that for some reason I can not do what the Lord is asking of me. Still, I manage to come up with excuse after excuse as to why I can't do this or why I'll "do it later".

Excuse #1: Nobody really wants to hear my story.

Excuse #2: What makes me think I'm important enough to spread His message?

Excuse #3: I just don't have time to sit down for extended periods to write.

Excuse #4: (and probably the biggest excuse) I don't want to face that pain again in such an intimate way.

But what would I do if God always had an excuse for me?

Possible excuse #1: I'm sorry I just don't have the time for you right now.

Possible excuse #2: I'm sorry but if you can't do "A" then I can't do "B"

Possible excuse #3: You are not important enough.

Thankfully, I will never have to hear those excuses from my God.
Thankfully, even though I've been disobedient ( in many, many ways) God will never be too busy or incapable.
And thankfully, God will NEVER think I'm not important.


As For Me And My House We Will Serve the Lord

Joshua 24:15

And if..

"... God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son..."

John 3:16

Then surely, I can find the time, face the pain and do what is asked of me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13


Tabitha said...

The wonderful thing is that God gave you lots of people who love you who can help you through the pain. Praying for your strength as you face. Love you.

Candi said...

Preaching to the choir here, I think that if you write it down, it will get out of your head, and your heart, and you may be able to heal further. I lost my father to cancer at the age of 12, he was 32...