Cold, Snow, and my Daughters 14th Birthday

Today is December 22, 2008. My daughter's 14th birthday and here I am at work. We had a MAJOR storm last night and the roads here are totally disgusting for the most part. What's worse? I have all season tires on the front of my car which is a front wheel drive. I work at a garage and we have new winter tires here but do you think that my bonehead mechanic would put them on for me? Noooooo. Blech!

So now I have the dilemma of what to do for my daughter's birthday. Plan was to bring her and her friend back into town tonight for supper and a movie, but, the roads are really bad and I'm worried about just getting home after work, much less coming back in. Maybe I'll pick up some KFC on my way home and let them go to the local video store and pick out a movie. *sigh* Oh well.

I've been thinking a great deal over the last couple of days about this day 15 years ago when my daughter was born. Surprisingly, I remember it like it was yesterday for the most part. I remember that I had a routine doctors appointment because she wasn't due until the 26th. But I was determined to have her before Christmas. In fact I was determined to have her no later than today so that I could be out of the hospital for Christmas as I had my son ( who was 2 at the time) at home and I didn't want to ruin his Christmas. So off I went at 10 am for my doctor's appointment and I told him that I was going to have the baby TODAY. He laughed at me. I told him to do what ever he had to do to induce my labor but of course he couldn't use any drugs because I wasn't overdue. So he did a little of this and that and sent me home.

I remember my Grandfather showing up early that afternoon. I miss him so. Anyway, around 2 pm I remember twinging and turning and my grandfather asked what was wrong. I told him I thought that maybe I was going into labor. Well.. I've never seen an old man with Parkinson's move so darned fast. He was out of his chair and out the door before I could blink! He stopped short, poked his head in the door and said "I wasn't there for my own children's birth, not sticking around for this one, but do call us and let us know how it goes" and then he was gone. I think that was the last time I saw him before he passed away.

I waited a little longer then I called my doctor and told him we were heading into the hospital. He laughed and said I was very funny. I told him I wasn't being funny, and that I would see him there. Shortly thereafter, we arrived at the hospital. I remember Dr. Salgado coming into the room to break my water, he laughed and said I was the most determined women he'd ever met! He left us to go get some supper as he thought it was going to be a while before anything significant happened. Then, out of no where, it started and it was fast and furious. I had been planning on an epidural or something, but Amanda had other plans. The nurses couldn't get a heart beat. The paged my doctor and another specialist. By the time my doctor arrived to the room, it was filled with nurses and doctors and an emergency C-section tray. I remember clearly the sound of his coffee cup hitting the floor and the splashing of the coffee. Oh and of course the cursing of the nurse who had to clean it up.

He walked over to the bed and said " I see there isn't much I can do ... do you want to hold my hand?" All I could think of was "don't break the doctor's hand, don't break the doctor's hand". But, the baby wasn't coming. I wasn't dilating. They tried everything, putting me in every convoluted position I could imagine. For a few minutes I thought maybe I was in Cirque De Sole! At one point, I was on my side, with 5 pillows under my hips and a nurse behind me and my husband in front and I whispered " I need to push" the nurse said "Oh honey, you can't push " then all I heard was the doctor saying "Oh my God, push push push" and I did. Then there was crying; not only from the baby, but my husband and I both. She was absolutely beautiful! The nurse who told me I couldn't push leaned over and whispered in my ear "Good job dear! You must have had a Christmas angel with you today".

She's still beautiful. And God knows I love her, but she's become a teen and most days I would rather ship her off to boarding school than live with her. But then I think back to the day she was born and how much trouble she gave me then, and I realize that I should have been prepared for the future!


:D

Frustration Everywhere I Look Oh And Thank You

Maybe it is just the time of year, but there seems to be frustration everywhere I look. Even now, thinking about this post, I find I'm frustrated about being frustrated! Is that even possible? I mean, Seriously?

As I calm down a little, I have to admit I do feel blessed as well. Blessed that I have found someone out there who seems to be a true friend. Someone who is very much like me, but has a more level head when it comes to helping me figure out my frustration. She's amazingly witty and totally cool. And if she's reading this (which she probably is because I think she's the only one who does read my posts) I just want to say a BIG thank you :)

The latest frustration seems to be my need to talk, to say SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to a particular person, but when cooler heads prevail, it's obviously not the right thing to do. I have a REAL problem when it comes to speaking my mind. I've never been one to just 'keep quiet' about anything. This, as I'm sure I've said before, has gotten me into a whole heap of trouble, but has, on most occasions, made me at least, feel better. But as my new, good, friend reminded me today:

Proverbs 25:21-22

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
22 for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you.

So now I'm frustrated with how to go about suppressing my need to speak my mind AND how to "heap burning coals" on this persons head. Yes, it's quite an image and even though I'm sure the Lord is shaking his head in disapproval right now, it somehow makes me feel just the tiniest bit better to envision this person with heaping hot coals on their head.

Prayer. That's the answer that has hit me squarely in the face as I write this.

Romans 8:26 (New International Version)

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

I really don't know what to pray for in this situation. Do I pray that this person should feel the burning of the hot coals(which regrettably is what I really hope). Or do I pray for silence? Thankfully, I don't really have to know exactly for what I need to pray.

Romans 8:26 (New International Version)

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.


I just wonder, how many prayers do I need to send up before the "hot coals" image goes away?

Hello? Are you there? Why can't I hear You?

What's wrong with me? I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around my head I don't even know where to begin.

One thing I'm feeling more and more lately is sadness because I feel very alone. Since my FH has been away, I've felt isolated and alone. Why do I feel that way? I KNOW in my head that God is there for me, but do I really "feel" it? I read posts and support messages and even bible passages about how God speaks to others. Why isn't He speaking to me? And if He is speaking to me, why can't I hear Him? Am I hearing Him, but not realizing it's Him? How do I get to Him? Surly it can't be as easy as just sitting down reading my bible. That's silly right? Isn't it? I mean honestly, I've read my bible and to me it's an instruction book, not a two-way radio. What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so desperately with something that seems to come so easily to everyone else? Ok, I know not "everyone" hears God or even finds it easy to communicate with God, but it sure feels like it right now. Am I in the middle of a huge pity party? And is that so wrong? And how do I get out of it? And is ANYBODY listening?

Me, it's all about me

That's right. This is a shameless blog about ME! I'm writing this in hopes that some "people" who I can not directly communicate with, will read and maybe go "humm I never knew that". And if they don't, well I guess there isn't really much I can do about it now is there? As for the rest of you people who read (and I'm sure there really aren't that many) maybe you too will go "humm I never knew that" :D

ME: I have intense emotions so when I love, I love with all that is in me. When I am upset, the whole world knows. I'm not good at hiding my emotions although I would love to think that I am. I believe that some think I'm impetuous. Point in fact I may well be, but only in certain areas of my life and certainly not when it comes to those closest to me. Having said that, I am only comfortable using the word "committed" in reference to certain things. I am committed to only 3 things in my life: My God, my FH (future husband), and my children. Everything else I take on a case by case, situation by situation basis. My commitment to them is fierce and all consuming. I will do anything for any of them, up to and including giving my life. I know, I know. You are thinking "how cliche" but let me tell you in the most clear and loud voice I can muster in written word.. with everything in me and with all my being, I will do what ever is required of me to honor those three commitments.

I believe strongly that God has a distinct purpose for my life and I try daily to find that purpose. Sometimes I think I've seen, but alias, I've not. I'm not often discouraged by that because I have faith that abounds and no matter where my days, weeks, months may lead me, I know, without a doubt, that my God is right beside me all the way.

I used to believe that there was no way in the world that a man like my FH could love me the way he does. But his gentle love and faithful endurance has proven otherwise. Now we hold each other up. We lean on each other for strength when we feel we don't have enough of our own. He loves me, and I deeply respect him(yes I love him too hehe). We try every day to honor each other and laugh together. We argue, yes, but our arguments are learning exercises, not wedges. We are driven closer every day by the sheer force of love and respect and the plan that God has put in place for us. It's not perfect. It never will be. But that, my friends, is the beginning of great understanding and forgiveness.

Friends, true friends, I fight for and love. There are very few people in this world I would call my friend. But those that I do, I will give everything I have and do what ever I can as long as it doesn't compromise my commitment to my God or my family. I am generous to a fault some say. I never understood that saying. How could being generous be a fault? My mother used to tell me that I would never have anything in life because I always give it away. As a child, that was a criticism, now I take it as a compliment. She's right, I probably will end up with nothing, material wise, but I'm totally ok with that because what I get in return is worth so very much more than anything money could buy.

Now you are probably thinking, "Holy smokes! Is she full of herself or what?" But no, you are wrong. I have many many faults. Too many to list here I'm afraid but I will attempt to show some.

I am impulsive in certain aspects of my life which can and has lead to trouble. I have a short fuse sometimes. Especially when it comes to injustice done to people I know. I get very vocal even when it comes to people I don't know. And that too has lead me into the line of fire. Not because I'm standing up for what's right, but because sometimes I just don't think before I speak.

I have serious road rage. Not to the extent that I would get out of my car and give someone a thrashing, but sometimes it's a good thing that there isn't anyone else in the car with me.

I don't manage money very well. I can, but most times, more often than not, I don't. I can save for things I dearly want, such as the upcoming wedding, but my mentality isn't financial. The family always has a roof over their heads and food in their belly and for some, that wouldn't be enough, but I guess, for me that is. Yes I wish for more and better things, but more and more every day, I see that those things just aren't important. Yes, making sure our necessities are taken care of is important, and I am getting better at that, bills may be a little behind but not nearly as much as before.

I tend to avoid uncomfortable situations. I don't like facing issues where I know I would have to humble myself and admit my flaws, especially to those who's intentions I am not sure of or don't trust. But again, it's all a work in progress.

So, that's me;for the most part anyway. So to those who read this and to those who should read this, I hope you are somewhat enlightened.

The whole shebang!

Ok everyone, grab a coffee, put your feet up because here they are.. the full photo shoot of my family done by the amazing Randi Gallant! I was so excited to see the link in my email this morning I wanted to call her and thank her right then, but of course, it was WAY early, so I had to wait until Noon.. but none the less.. I'm tickled pink about the images and can not say nearly enough about Randi Gallant and her wonderful talent!!

So with no further ado..

Click here and enjoy!!

Love you Randi! You rock!

My Family - A professional shoot by photographer Randi Gallant

On Sunday, October 18th, My family and I had our first ever professional family photo shoot with and amazing photographer Randi Gallant . What a wonderful talent she has! It was so easy and the kids had tons of fun as well. Below is a link to a preview of my beautiful family. And while you are there, take some time to look at Randi's other gorgeous work! You won't be disappointed. I know I wasn't!

Click here to view a preview of our Family Photoshoot!

Thanks again Randi! You are a true photography genius!

Happy Birthday Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Today would have been your 11th birthday. I can imagine how beautiful you would be. I can see your smiling face glowing with joy at the sight of a big cake burning with candles. Your long beautiful hair pulled to the side so that you could bend over and blow out the candles. I wonder what wish you would make this year. Would you wish for world peace? Or something more attainable like a new cell phone? Or maybe a family vacation? I will never know.

I hope in heaven you are celebrating with the Lord and that he will give you big birthday hugs and kisses from me. I'm sure they will be more sweet than anything I can imagine.

I will see you again, my beloved daughter, and until then I will keep you in my heart.

Love,

Mommy

Tired

So it's a short work week and this is only my second day working, but I'm EXHAUSTED!! Today was one of the most stressful days at work I've had and it wasn't even "people" related but more like technology related. Nothing went right and I had a boss who is out of town waiting for documents I just couldn't for the life of me get sent to him the way he wanted. I think I put more stress on myself though than he actually put on me.

In the end tho, like all things, it worked out. So my question for all of you reading is this... Why, when we know deep down that everything is going to work out fine, do we get so stressed out? I, for one, have struggled with this question for a very long time and still can't come up with an answer. Maybe one of you out there in cyberspace has the answer, and if you do I would love to hear what you think.


Today's Thankful Thoughts:

• Forever, my fiance, Ben
• A soft bed with warm blankets (bet you didn't see that one coming)
• Blogspot - a place to express myself
• My fiance's family and their love even tho we don't know each other as well as we would like.
• Beautiful fall colors
  

Crochet? Really?

As I was driving this morning ( most of my good thinking happens when I'm on my way to work) I again was pondering the subject I would blog about today and it struck me that the title of my blog is "Crochet Crazy" yet I've never blogged about my love of crochet or my current projects.

Now some may say that the title (and screen name I use for email and on Ravelry and on my business cards) may indicate my love of crochet but I think it more accurately describes the way my closest friends and family think of me.

I crochet every free moment I have. I do it because I love it. I love the feel of the different yarns passing through my fingers; I love the idea of something beautiful and functional evolving from a single strand of fiber; I love the peace it brings with the rhythmic motions that crochet inevitably evokes. My greatest joy is giving to those I love something I poured a little piece of myself into and seeing their faces light up with thankfulness.

I'm currently working feverishly making adult, teen and baby hats, scarves, booties and the like, for upcoming fall craft sales to help finance my impending wedding. And although I must admit I feel a bit under the gun ( the first sale being only 2 weeks away) I still find joy in the art and the thought of someone receiving one of my hand made items and wearing it in good health makes me smile.

Today's Thankful Thoughts:

• The love of my life, forever and always, my Fiance, Ben
• A good fresh haircut
• The sound of rain on a metal roof and the ability to hear it
• New friends
• Old, but none the less dear, friends

Take a moment and think about things that you are thankful for today.. I bet you'll be surprised by the effect it has on the rest of your day :D

See this always happens ( and thankful things)

I have great intentions. I really do. But you know what they say about good intentions? Well.. I'm not going to say it. I'm sure it's on the web to look up if you really don't know.

But seriously, I start a blog ( or something of the like) get all fired up about it.. do it faithfully for a week or so (if I'm lucky) then I let life get in the way. Is this a fatal character flaw? I don't know.

I do know this - A great many times we let that monster called "life" get in the way of the really important things. Like spending time with our children or spouse; giving of our time to the needy; time spent in prayer. There just always, always, always seems to be something "better" or more important to do other than what we "should" be doing. It makes me sad to think of all the waisted moments spent surfing for the next crochet pattern, or watching the latest hot TV show or .. anything really, when that time could, and should, be spent creating a legacy with our lives. Weather or not we have children or a spouse.

Todays Thankful Thoughts:

• Forever, always, with all my heart, my Fiance
• The smile on my son's face after his first Jujitsu class
• The peaceful look on my beautiful daughters face as she sleeps
• Dog kisses
• Peace - as brief and fleeting as it may be
  

Why?

Ok, so I'm driving to work this morning thinking about what I was going to blog about today (other than my usual thankful post) and I got to wondering.. why? Again with eternal questions I know. But seriously, why? Why do I like raspberries better than strawberries? Why do people drive the way they do? Why does earth smell .. well.. earthy?
Why?
Why?
The question I was really wondering about tho is "Why blog?" Do we blog for ourselves? And if so, then why do we pass along links to our blog sites? OR do we blog for others? And if that's the case, again, I must pose the question.... Why?? I've not found a suitable answer other than maybe I blog for others because I'm infinitely interested in peoples interest and thoughts on .. well .. my thoughts I guess. And that brings forth yet another question.. Are bloggers self centered? I don't think I want to touch that one :)

Today's Thankful Thoughts:

• Forever and always, my fiance, the love of my life
• Friday afternoons
• Soft baby yarn
• Clear, cold drinking water
• The love of God
  

Thankful Every Day (con't)

It's been a long day and my head is still aching even though I've downed enough Advil to knock out a horse. Wedding planning is taking up most of my thoughts and how to pay for it is taking up the rest. I'm crocheting like crazy trying to make enough things to sell at up coming craft fairs but I feel like I'll never have enough. How true is that statement, never enough. Never enough time, space, love, friends, just never enough.

Here are todays thankful thoughts ( and don't forget to leave a comment w/ things you are thankful for) :

• As always, forever, the love of my life, my fiance
• Free crochet patterns
• Hot coffee made "just" right
• ADVIL
  
• Going home at 5pm
  

Thankful Every Day (con't)

It's chilly, but the sun is out and if you stand in just the right spot it almost feels like summer again. Ok, maybe I'm delusional but that's what I like to think. Makes me smile.

Other things that make me smile today and that I'm thankful for are :

• The love of my life
• Close friends
• Jokes that make me laugh 'till I cry
• Warm clothes
  

Thankful Every Day

I found this idea on a msg board I belong to and I think it's a wonderful idea so I've decided to incorporate it into my blogging :) Please feel free to comment with your daily thanksgivings :)


Today I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

• The love of my life, my fiance
• A warm, soft nest of kittens
• Warm sunshine on my skin

Me.. who am I?

Isn't that the eternal question for us all. Who are we? Why are we here? What are we meant to do with our lives? Now, before you get excited.. I DON'T have the answers to any of those question, but I am deeply interested and intensely seeking those answers.

The easy stuff I can do. I'm a mom of 2 wonderful children who, although going through teen years, still call me "mommy". I have 2 cats and a dog which make me laugh and scream almost all at the same time and a wonderful fiance who IS the love of my life. The wedding is planned for Feb. 21, 2009 and I must say, I can't wait!

I love to write, crochet, sing, read and just hang out at home with my family or chill on a Saturday with my best friend. I love going to Church on Sunday evenings and feel refreshed and ready to face another week.